It would be easy to not post, I think…to pretend that nothing has changed since my happy “Let’s get in the Christmas mood and bless others with meaningful gifts” post. Yes, you should still do that (I would love to bless the two waiting/adoptive families I mentioned with a great big check from CD sales), but this post is heavy…not for the faint of heart.
Hubby and I came across a quote in Our Daily Bread devotional a week or so ago that said,
“Courage isn’t having the strength to go on- it is going on when you don’t have strength.”
It struck a chord with us then, but little did we know how meaningful it would be soon.
Soon, was Saturday, November 17th, 2012.
The past 5 days have been a whirlwind, a tornado of emotions- thrown into a spin cycle on high heat.
The kids and I have been memorizing Psalm 55:33 during school, “Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you…” The kids thought the word sustain sounded funny. So we made a saying out of it, “Satan (and sin) stains but God sustains.
We had no idea then how much His ability to sustain us would play out in the coming days.
We got THE CALL on Friday, November 16th…the one we have been waiting almost a year and a half (and then some) for…we had been matched with a baby boy, and could we come on Saturday to pick him up at the hospital?
YES! YES! Pinch me, I can’t believe this is happening, and he is already born, and we are going to pick him up, crying, jumping up and down, head spinning.
You can imagine what the next day was like….picture nesting on steroids; with the help of many (van cleaned, house cleaned, fridge filled, clothes bought, diapers bought, setting up the pac ‘n play, infant carseat installed, diaper bag backed with about 5 outfits because it was too hard to narrow them down and wanted to make sure they fit). A small army rallied in prayer, action, and support….
On Saturday afternoon, Hubby and I made the trip to the hospital. We took pictures of ourselves on the way, giddy with delight, we videotaped a message for baby, we celebrated. In Hubby’s words, “I was a wreck” (in a good, emotional, we are driving to pick up our son sort of way).
Hubby took a picture of me in front of the hospital with diaper bag over my shoulder….soon and very soon we would hold and touch him and our empty arms would be full, our waiting would cease.
A few minutes after we entered the lobby (a waiting room of sorts) the spin cycle heat got turned to high. Our case worked explained that the baby’s mom was there and was possibly reconsidering her decision.
40 minutes later (never leaving that lobby area) we learned that we were not going home with baby. He would be placed in interim care while mom decided for sure what she would do.
Let me pause and say, first of all, we are so grateful that this baby’s mom choose life for her son. Please pray for her, as she makes one of the hardest (if not the hardest) decision of her life.
These are the 3 things that we are specifically praying about and ask that you join us in praying.
1. For God’s will for baby, that he will be in the best place for him (wherever that may be).
2. For his mom to have peace in the decision she makes (to parent or place him for adoption).
3. That we will have the baby that God wants us to by the end of this year (whether this sweet boy or another baby).
The last five days have been interesting….filled with sadness but also the closeness of family and the simplicity of everyday moments. We are taking one day, and sometimes one moment at a time. The baby’s mom has up to a month to make this very difficult decision. We are learning to really live with open hands…following God each step, trusting His character, and allowing Him to be in control. We may never understand why this happened, but we know He is sustaining us and loves us.
This baby and mom now have a small army praying for them and we are so thankful for that.
One of my sisters said, “Every baby deserves to have fanfare upon their arrival into this world”, and indeed this little guy had lots of it…pomp and circumstance (“splendid celebration with ceremony and fuss”).
I will most likely write more about all this another time, but for now, thank you for your prayers, concern, and support. I will close with a poem written in response to these events and this precious life.
From the valley to the mountain then down to a plateau
A roller coaster of great gain and loss and gain again somehow
Mysterious, painful gift given then required for sacrifice
Not knowing why, but peace filling up, broken cracks in heart
Walls of waiting and hope crumbling into more waiting and hope
Fighting hard to break through devastating loss
Strength and grace present in spite of our brokenness
Why? We don’t know- may never know
but trust we must and do; Sovereignty present.
Heart chambers stretched further than ever before-
stretched, but not torn through.
Disbelief and despair; changing reality
Leaving with arms empty-handed but hearts full of love and care; grieving.
Wrestling, stunned, silence…
Headed home, to expectant ones.
How do we go on from here?
One moment, one day at a time .
So close, yet so far.
Just to see him, just to hug her,
Just to make it past the waiting room.
Just to be part of this story.
Making it to lobby, so close- yet chasm in between.
Such joy, such pain.
Such heartache; many unknowns.
Facing the reality of emptiness.
Having to depend on Him; wholly.
Holy, He sustaining, we, His.
We put one foot in front of the other.
We wonder but don’t wander.
Close to Him we must stay…only way to be able to step forward.
Honoring his birth, his life, maybe forever.
If but for a day, we parented him well from afar.
We never the same, affected and changed because of one precious life.
Boy, little boy, we love you.
Galatians 6:9 has been a lifeline to us as we walk through this waiting…it is even more meaningful now,
“Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”