In his book Waking the Dead, (and Captivating too I believe) John Eldredge talks about identifying the wound and/or lie that the enemy uses in your life to trip you up and tear you down.
If there was a neon sign flashing over my head (heart really) it would flash “not enough” or “not good enough”. That is the lie I often hear and feel. When others are better than me, disappointed or annoyed with me, or correcting me or not complimenting me- there it flashes. Coming up short again.
I have spent a lifetime trying to be enough.
Striving for: pretty enough, thin enough, creative enough, talented enough, nice enough (this one is really hard), good enough.
As mentioned before, Hubby is Mr. Steady (thanks Debi Pearl for your descriptions in Created to Be His Helpmeet). He is naturally nice, optimistic, and goes with the flow.
I told my husband once that I wish for one day, (even 5 minutes really) in which he could wake up and experience what it is like to feel and think like I do. I struggle with being critical, negative, and over-analyze things constantly. There is a battle up there in my mind. Worrying way too much what people think and trying to make most people happy. Afraid that the “real me” is too blunt, too over the top, too much for people to handle…or enjoy, or like.
So I hold back, often. Because if I just live right out there, I can do great damage and/or great good…but it is risky and could be lonely and misunderstood. So I grow but also hide some too.
In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis gives an example that has stuck with me. If I understand it right (and not sure I do, since it took a lot of brain power to read it), he talks about a lady who wasn’t very nice (but before she was a Christian she was much meaner) and then he talks about someone who was not a Christian but was normally a nice person. I think he is saying not to judge because you don’t know how far people have come. I can relate to this. By God’s grace I have come a long way, and have a long ways to go.
The other day I had a very melancholy day. I was edgy, not very nice and nothing seemed to be going right. Everything I did seemed to be wrong. Me who contends to be right. Yuck.
I know I am not enough without Christ- I fall short and fall down in my sin.
But because I have accepted His atoning work for me, He has me covered. Salvation.
I am enough in Him.
So why do I revert back to the lie; the lack?
It is not everyday I feel this way, but moments.
Ultra-sensitive is a label that has been suggested.
Maybe. That can be a good or bad quality, or both.
Reading dear ones blogs doesn’t help lately- “not enough, not measuring up” whispers in the air.
I have had breakthroughs in this area before, and now another layer being pulled back; revealing that I still struggle with this wound, this lie.
I am so thankful for grace. I am so glad that I don’t have to fight this battle on my own strength.
He has overcome.
In His Truth, I can be set free.
So can you.
What is the lie you believe, the wound you hold onto…that struggles to flash above and hold you down?
And pick up clean slate and let Him brush grace strokes on canvas and mold fragile clay again.
Oh how He loves.
In the mess of things, He sees. He knows. He makes ways in fog and desert.
“Thus says the LORD, ‘The people who
survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for
rest, the LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an
everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.'”