Growing up I dreamed of what I might be and do someday. One of those things was a Broadway star, or piano bar lounge singer. It might sound silly now, but it was something I seriously desired. I love to perform, I like to be on stage…
I recall a conversation with a loved one who said, “Don’t pursue Broadway, it is an unsteady and insecure life; hard, filled with rejection.” This conversation hurt deep down, but also resonated with me; rejection was something I was familiar with…a gnawing companion that produced a fragile sensitivity and insecurity in my fiber. Friends turning, mocking…audition results haunting, feedback less than stellar…second best in the guy department, letting myself be used, guys walking away. “Not good enough” is a wound that stills fights to define me.
So tonight, against better judgement, I watched it, most of it, “Smash”. Hubby thought it would be good for me, he knowing my heart. I, tear in eye, said, “I don’t know if I can do it. For one, it will be trashy and two, it will hurt.” The hurt, the dream revisited. The “not good enough” and “what if” and somewhere this girl still wants to try, just to see if I could.
So I watched and it affected, good and hard. Reminding me of bad choices I once made amidst theater lifestyle- vulnerable, impure, self-focused, yet mixed with glimpses of beauty, fun, and satisfaction. Right now is why I watched, to come face to face with these somewhat suppressed feelings and to process this. How strange to see a part of yourself played out, the part that you tried to amputate. Since there were many bad memories associated there, and I used to partake of it for mostly selfish reasons, I threw it almost all out. I buried it down deep but didn’t remove it totally. How can I when it is weaved in somewhere? For a long time, I laid it down- as offering and in surrender, and because how can you do this and have all you really want too.
This my greatest adventure.
Him, them, us. 5 and then soon 6 please.
I think I have mentioned this, but a dear friend exhorted me greatly through her testimony. She has been longing for something specific for years and years…and recently God said, “Would you sacrifice your marriage for this? Would you sacrifice your kids for this? Would you sacrifice Our relationship for this?” NO! Even though what she wants is a great thing, her faith, marriage and kids are more important; they are her greatest adventure. So she packs lunches, and she helps, and she shines right where she is and keeps handing over her heart to Him; who is completely trustworthy; even when it hurts.
Sometimes, I ask why?
Why did you make me this way- with this deep-seeded desire to perform, to sing out my heart? But then ask me to give it back? You know me better than I do. You made me after all; you weaved me together. Now, You have given me back singing, slowly after all these years… Thank You.
I remember her. One of the best voices I have heard. She actually could have gone. Broadway. She with angel voice, red hair, kind heart. But, she stayed. She offered her gift to church local. Voice teacher didn’t understand until one night. One night the teacher came and heard her sing, original song to the Lord at a Christmas program at church. Then, then she understood why she hadn’t gone. Here she was home. This lavish gift given to them, her song. Lavish gift to stay.
So, I’m finding courage somehow to sing full here. To not hold back for the “real thing”, “real” stage. But here on life’s stage, love’s stage, to sing for them, for Him. Sweetest for them, a choice. Not wasted but best. To give them the best, not second best. To be free to be who He made, to give lavish to untrained ears, to practice for them; stop waiting for approval from judges and directors, to just sing even though I know I am not the best. To not be offended, to not bury and cut off this part altogether, but to open up and do what I can and what I should. To “play the background” which is really the stage direction I need- to let him and them shine as I support with love and give the soundtrack of our lives freedom and beauty.
He has protected me from much- thank you, for taking away and then giving back in a different way. Here at 35. Thank You- for You, help me to sing, for One, for 4 then 5 right here. Sing in middle of night when feeding, sing a benediction to the 3 before bed, greet the morning with whispered song to You, hum a happy tune while dishes are piling (thankful that they are piling and not just washing my own, alone), dancing with him even when I feel dizzy, being dizzy in love and not distracted with dying dreams. But here, fully here, all parts, present, whole in Him; trusting Him. Free.
Thank You, now bow, to You. Thank You.