As I quoted before, “your faith should define your circumstances, your circumstances shouldn’t define your faith”. In this world we will have joy and sorrow, sometimes all mixed together.
I wasn’t going to post today; I didn’t feel like I “had it together” enough. I know that is not what blogging is about, but it didn’t feel right to be encouraging when I was struggling. But alas, blogging is therapy for me (and free), so here I post.
Had a good cry after our “Waiting Families” meeting. The meeting was fine, but it is emotional to go. I so want to get NEWS when we go, but it is designed to be a time for training. I need to change my expectations and then I won’t set myself up for disappointment. Got our monthly update today from our wonderful case worker today (she is so nice and such a hard worker). There are some possibilities on the horizon, but sometimes it is hard to “go there” after the losses.
Hubby and I had a good talk; he is so trusting and steady and even-keeled; I am so glad. I am not! What we figured out was that I need to let go….again. Let go and really trust and hand over the control (that I really never had in the first place). The drive in me, and “depend on yourself to make things happen” attitude needs work.
With each pregnancy that I have had (3), God has used that time to peel back another layer that needed work and this “pregnancy” is no different. In fact, I feel like this time I am getting a whole body peel (more like heart peel). We were approved to adopt late June of last year, so the normal gestation period is approaching- April. No guarantee anything will happen by then, but it seems significant to me. I remember walking with my friend this winter and she told me she was expecting- so excited for her, but I did say, “No offense, but I sure hope we have our baby before you!” She agreed. Well she is due in a few months, and of course, I hope that is still the case. But if it isn’t, we will keep waiting, and keep hoping even when it hurts and our hearts are on our sleeves.
As Easter approaches, I am reminded that I want Christ and His character to define me. What He did on the cross to define me; freedom, grace, deliverance. I don’t want to waste my days worrying, but worshiping Him. Oh, I need His help to do that. The early spring blossoms scream, “Hope”, “Promise”, “Delight”. Yes!
Today I want to choose to live full— not focuses on empty arms, but offer “free hugs”, attentiveness, and love to those here right now. To smile when grace knocks on the door, not to let my frustrations fly. Thank You God for caring about how we are feeling, for understanding, for giving all that we may live today.