The last week or so has been hard emotionally. I am trying to put my finger on “why”. Here are some ideas….
Almost 15 months of waiting “officially” for baby
Turning one year older
Missing dear friends
Waiting on some big things
Trying to overcome contentiousness
I get a bit melancholy on my birthday. I know this isn’t the “proper” attitude, but as a gift person I revert to a 5 year old on Christmas morning… What am I going to get? Who will call? Who will surprise me? Who will affirm me? Love me please!
Kind of pathetic maybe, but deep down there is this longing, “Remember me, think of me, let me know I matter to you.”
High expectations; yet trying not to let on.
So, in this fragile state of mind I stopped by Panera Bread to get my free sweet treat to help celebrate my coming birthday. Eye on yummy orange flaky scone.
And there she was. All aglow and warm as usual.
A fellow ministry wife. The one who birthed two kids really close together, and then adopted another from across the sea, and there she was; quite pregnant and possibly considering adopting again later too.
Her presence and circumstances stirred up a strange blend of emotions.
Bittersweet joy and sweet sadness oozed right beneath the surface; trying to hold it all in and reamain composed; not wanting to fall apart and shadow her wonderful “Sarahlike” wild and wonderful gifts…
not letting her know I might crumble or burst out in an awkward laugh-cry in any moment.
Really so happy for her, but in celebrating such raw pain present as well.
It reminded me of a conversation years and years earlier. When I heard the news of another baby coming nearby and I felt quite upset. I confided in a friend who later confronted me and said, “Why are you struggling to celebrate with her; to celebrate this wonderful gift?”
It hurt, but I needed to be asked, “Why do I struggle…?”
Maybe chalk it up to “first born girl syndrome”- I want it! You have what I want, and I am used to getting it first and I am upset because I don’t have it too and didn’t have it first.
Pretty ugly to spell out. Internal temper tantrum would sound even more embarrassing.
Have you ever felt this way?
“They have what I want and I am grieving, because they having it reminds me what I don’t have and how much it hurts.”
Judge me if you want.
But here, I process.
So I lay in bed that same night, and we talk. He and me. I again pour out heart wine to him and try to make sense of what I am feeling, thinking. Then he says something like this, “In the waiting and place of unknowns, I rest. There is nothing I can do to make things happen. There is nothing I can do to speed things up. I find comfort in waiting because things are out of my control. I rest in Him; it is a good (comforting) place to be.”
And there he was. Able to rest, and almost downright rejoice, in the waiting.
And there I was. Telling him how I squirm in the waiting (as if he didn’t already know that). How the waiting and not being able to change anything makes me uncomfortable. How my strength is in change and action and doing, but not resting. The resting and trusting is a struggle. I have grown but still kick and scream sometimes (often) in the mystery.
And there He was. And I was telling him all the things I want…and He he reminded me that He has given me everything already, in His Son.
I try to swallow this, my entitlement and longing fighting to hold ground in light of His holiness.
My rights, my bents, my secret struggles.
He knows all about these; yet still gave, gives, and is giving all.
Why is that not enough?
“All I have in You is more than enough” is playing on the radio as we “speak”.
“For every thirst, for every need- You satisfy me with Your love…”
Oh how I need Him. His grace, His gift, His help.
I am so glad He loves me as I am; not having to have it all together or figured out to be loved.
God, may you help open my eyes further to You all around. You give above and beyond and so much better than what I could wish for.
And, despite feelings and squirming, I choose again to trust.
To let you be who You are; the Firstborn of all creation.
Where You lead, where You rest, I will follow.
Because you have made this heart to know Your heart, to rise above this fog and thrive; even in the wilderness of waiting.
Isn’t all of life a waiting; of learning to live in the presence of waiting for what is promised.
For all that passes by, so much is really gained.
And I keep counting, because I want to and have to…
the easy, the hard…
all pointing to Him, His heart; the strangely beautiful way He raises us because He raised Him.
Colossians 1:15-23 (NIV, from www.biblegateway.com)
15 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
21 Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. 22 But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— 23 if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.
And again, thank You.
Help me to live the truth that You have given everything….more than enough.